Dear Buck Martinez: Can you stand up straight, while I illuminate a few of your flaws....

Buck Martinez has been terrible at every job in professional baseball he has ever had. If he were hired as a peanut vendor at Wrigley, I assume he could somehow fuck that up. As a player, as a manager, and now as an announcer, Buck Martinez has just flat out failed.

From Buck Martinez's Wikipedia entry:

Martinez made his major league debut in 1969, playing 72 games with the Kansas City Royals. Over the next few years, however, he developed the reputation of being an offensive liability, and he never appeared in more than 95 games during his time with Kansas City, through 1977.

Martinez was traded twice over the next few years, first to the Milwaukee Brewers in late 1977 and then to the Toronto Blue Jays in early 1980 after being designated for assignment. Martinez is most remembered for his time in Toronto, where he twice hit 10 home runs (in 1982 and 1983) and was regarded as a solid defensive catcher

.

As a player, his career best offensive years were two seasons of ten homers, and he was considered more/less adequate defensively. So how was he as a manager?

In 2000, Martinez was hired as Toronto's manager after Jim Fregosi's contract was not renewed. Martinez's energetic attitude was seen as the right fit for the Jays' young roster and through the first two months of the season Toronto outperformed expectations. The success, however, was short-lived as the team struggled through the remainder of the season and they finished a mediocre 80–82. He was fired 53 games into the 2002 season after posting a 20–33 record. Ironically, at the time he was fired the Blue Jays were on a three-game winning streak, having just swept the Detroit Tigers. He was then replaced by Carlos Tosca

.

Well, how does a career record of 103-118 sound? Terrible? Yeah.

None of this would be quite so irksome if Chip Caray* didn't occasionally pause from his own enfilade of solecisms to talk up his partner's impeccable baseball credentials from time to time (his partner is Buck Martinez!).

And yet somehow, stupefyingly, the thing Martinez is worst at is announcing professional baseball games. C'est incroyable!. (That's French for "Fuck the heck.")
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* Hearing Chip Caray do even a few innings this postseason has made me appreciate even more how unbelievably good Steve Stone was to be able to carry Caray all those years in Chicago.